I think this feeling is what has been stopping me from writing more than the bare minimum. This feeling of not being able to start, not knowing what words to put here that will catch anyone’s attention. I’m just feeling numb, and I don’t know how to start describing what’s in me. Numb isn’t even the precise word I would call this feeling. I am feeling empty.
It’s been harder to get up in the morning. Sometimes I lay there until noon or more, in and out of restless sleep. Then I get up, find something to do for an hour, and then take a nap. Then spend the rest of the day battling curling up and going back to sleep. I don’t know if this is another sign of being depressed, or if I’m just worn out. Honestly I think it’s a bit of both. Especially when I spend half the night crying, wanting what I can’t have.
I started the Power 90 series yesterday, since I can barely stand looking in the mirror again, and my clothes are just getting tighter. People say I’m not fat, that I carry my weight well, that I don’t look the weight I am. I can’t tell whether or not they are saying that out of kindness, or if they actually believe it. I know all that matters is myself and what I think about my appearance and looks, but everyone knows that we take care of our outward appearance both for others and ourselves. We slim down so we feel better about ourselves so we can go out and be around other people and not feel unattractive or fat. We feel better so we can feel better around others. I might have this a bit backwards, but it definitely is how I feel right now. I can’t stand looking in the mirror because all that goes through my head is “What do other people think when they look at me?”
Maybe my self-esteem has taken a hit when the rest of the crap hit me this month.
I’ve been in a debate with myself over the last few days, wondering how I am really feeling and reacting to my situation. I haven’t been reacting as violently as I had thought I would. I thought I would be inconsolable and isolated, but the only signs that I’m feeling anything other than emptiness is the random bouts of crying at night, and the fact that I can’t really smile. I’m going through the motions and doing the bare minimum, and I can’t bring myself to do more. I guess those are all the signs that I’m just not reacting because I’m shoving it inside and avoiding the feelings that are supposed to be there.
I didn’t even realize until right now that I am really much more upset than I have been letting on.
How do I fix this?
The Rants of a Girl Nerd 